THE HOUSE SEEMS EMPTY: by a dog owner

The house seems empty.  I’ve lost a dog to cancer.  It is a pain that many understand, yet some do not, because they have chosen to not live with a pet.  I don’t really understand people who don’t live with pets in their lives.  Of course, owning a pet is a true life style change; I do understand that.  It’s losing out on the love you get from a pet, no matter how short lived, that I would never choose against.  So, the house seems empty right now.  We lost one of my dogs, my show dog, an obedience, agility, rally, trick dog.  A dog that went with me to schools, to meet children and be an ambassador of her kind: a good, well trained dog.  My beloved, Australian Shephard: Benna. 

               Benna came into my life while I still had my last show dog, working and doing well in his field.  I didn’t realize it, but Benna would be held at bay by him, until I thought she was a bit of a loner.  When we lost him, Benna blossomed into her own.  It’s not that she wasn’t there by my side, before he died, it was just that she occupied his place next to me after he left it.  It was nice.  She was special, beautiful and loving.  But she was a big presence, too.  She was a guard dog, protecting us from the daily postal carrier, the neighbor’s driveway usage and every stray squirrel that dared enter her domain.  She was not a loner but a huge presence.  And now that presence is gone. 

               I don’t have that side kick, that 50 lb. hunk of gorgeous hair nestled by my desk.  She wasn’t ready to go, she was in perfect health, or so I thought.  But silent cancer crept in and yanked her from me while I was traveling abroad.  It was hemangiosarcoma, which is the silent cancer because with it, the dogs feel just fine, until the day they don’t.  And that was the day we lost her.  It makes me glad she felt fine until that day, but makes me sad that I wasn’t with her the day she didn’t.  But others were there and that’s what matters.  She wasn’t alone.  The choice was made during emergency surgery and it was the right and only decision.  My friend was keeping her during our travels and she noticed the change in Benna’s attitude immediately.   She was rushed into surgery and was cared for all the way.  But now the house is empty.

               We have other dogs, but they are small and comfortable on the couch.    My aussies didn’t care about their own comfort as long as they were near me.  That is the difference I feel.  It is palpable in my heart and at my feet.  

               Living without that presence.  I can’t imagine it.  Sure the house is cleaner without a dog.  The house is quieter and guests are easier to manage without managing the dog as well.  But the heart is emptier, it’s not just the house.  My life is emptier, my office is emptier, my day is quieter.  How long can I let this go on?  I need to miss Benna, I need to mourn the quiet.  Then I will look around and find another heart dog.  I can’t live without my partner in life.  My husband feels the same way about his dog and knows how I am feeling without mine.  We are a perfect match. 

               My previous dogs, the ones that came before Benna, there were many and each one holds a special place in my memories, filling my life with stories and laughter.  I choose life with a dog and I suffer the loss of them, it hurts, but it is worth the moments of loss to have the moments of joy. My Motto is and always will be: Know Dog, Know Joy; No Dog, No Joy!

               Mary Ann Zeigenfuse, LVT Best Friends Obedience, Inc.