Living the Memories

Wow, it has been a year since I lost my dog partner, Partner.  In some ways it seems like just yesterday, yet in others it seems like a life time ago.  The distant memories seem like they belong to someone else.   I have been trying to understand why that is, to make sure these memories remain mine.  I feel like they were lived by someone else.  When I try to place myself back into the memories, I feel tears start to well up, so I quickly try to reverse the thought process.  My loss was so intense that I don't want to relive the loss, but I do want to relive the moments.  I am sure some psychological study would have a name for this, I don't know what it is, I haven't studied these distant reactions to loss.  I just know what I feel.  I lost my Mom 13 years ago last month.  I still want to pick up the phone on Sunday afternoons to chat with her, those were the most likely times to find us both home.  I lost my Dad 35 years ago and what I wouldn't give for an afternoon with him.  I often find myself imagining a lengthy show and tell with him, showing him how the world has changed, how technology has entered every man's every day life.  The awe that I feel about the world, my life, how I want to catch him up on all these changes.  I imagine he would be awe struck and so excited about Everything!  I miss his approval of my choices.  I miss his silent smiles as I use to chat, at length, on and on, a youngster, filling the time in the car together.  He seemed to enjoy how I could just talk and talk to him about a child's, teen's view of the world.  That was all I got with him.  He died on the last day of my teen years, the eve of my 20th birthday.  We arrived home from the hospital at just midnight of my birthday, so the day of my 20th was spent calling relatives, making funeral arrangements, realizing the shock of what had just happened.  I wish I had had an adult relationship with him, I would love one now.  I often say I married a man just like my dad, or at least the Dad I knew.  I have two sisters and they have husbands, all very different men in personality, from my husband.  Yet, when we asked each other, once, we all agreed that we had all married "men like our father."  So when we got down to details, we all had different views, memories of what our Dad was like.  One of us married an intellectual, reserved man.  A man who doesn't share much, makes decisions and expects them to be agreed with.  A man who wants a home, headed up by a wife, who raises the child.  Not a romantic, but yet loves his family.    The other of us married an adventurous, religious man who is the chore of the church and the home.  A man who is a good role model but yet has a bit of fight in him.  One you wouldn't cross but on any given day is romantic and loving.  I married the salt of the earth.  An old soul, quiet, adores his wife, his life, his "kids" (dogs in our case) and is completely mold able to his wife's will.  He makes our life possible.  Each of us feels that our husbands are completely different men.  We each see our Father differently, too.  I can't completely speak for my sisters, but my Dad was loving, adored his youngest child (me) and I idealized him.  My husband is loving, adores his wife (me) and I idealize him.  How can one man, my Dad, be three different dads.  It fascinates me.  I feel as if I missed so much, not getting to know him while I have been older.  I really miss that my husband never got to meet him, too.  I truly feel they would have been friends.  Of course my husband always says that my Dad would have shot him on sight, some unworthy man trying to steal his baby girl.  So where do these memories, that are so palpable, live?  They mold who we are, what we become, how we view our lives.   Sure, I have had days go by now, that I don't think of or dwell on my losses.  Yet there they are, always just below the surface.  I guess they enrich my life, who I am.  Not the loss of these loved ones, but the loved ones themselves.  And having lost them, makes me a more dimensional person.  I cherish the people in my life so much more deeply, having lost loved ones before.  So in a way, I still feel close to those I have lost.  The fact that their loss is so quickly felt, so therefore, is their impact on my life so often felt; keeping my wrapped and safe in their memories.  I like that.  So maybe the reason I quickly want to reverse the tears is because I would rather feel the warmth of these memories. 

Kissing Bandit

It happened, for the first time, since last year.  I was reminded of a memory, a quick story that was about Partner and I laughed and it stayed funny and I marveled how my heart didn’t grow sad.  What a breath of air that was.  This happened while we were on vacation, two weeks ago.  I am disappointed now, that I can’t remember which story it was that was brought up, which made me laugh.  It doesn’t matter; really, it is just that it happened.  It is like a weight has been lifted since then.  I don’t want to fall into the cliché of worrying that I am forgetting him.  I’m not forgetting him.  I am healing, moving forward.  I don’t want to say, moving on, that sounds too much like I am leaving him behind.  I am taking him with me in the place we keep wonderful memories.  That place is full of funny stories and snap shots of him.  Fortunately now, stories I can think of and retell with joy and a happy heart.  What a relief it is. 

I have noticed that Benna is spending more time with me, at my feet or next to my chair.  It is the place or spot that Partner “left her” in his will.  It is nice to reach down and find an Aussie butt or head, right where one belongs, nestled in my fingers and putting kisses on my face.  She is becoming more of a kisser.  Partner’s nickname was the Kissing Bandit.  Benna is giving that a try, since she never wanted to lick much before.  I am so glad that she is, it is a habit that I like.  I know it isn’t for everyone.  I don’t enjoy it much from all dogs, but from my dogs, it is a pleasure.  I do have to wonder if she is hanging closer to me because she truly feels that that space has actually freed up for me as well.  I hope so, I want her there.  It’s been a little lonely. 

So anyway, did I ever tell you the story when Partner………………….………….. :smile.

Worth the Price

More time has passed.  It’s been almost 7 months.  I’ve stopped talking about his passing except in a factual way.  Example:  Before I lost Partner………, or:  I have two dogs now, I just lost one to cancer and one to old age.  Yes, that was a big blow at one time, or:  Believe me, I know, I lost one to cancer, too.  It comes up in conversation, especially working at a veterinary clinic and meeting people daily who own dogs.  But, even I know, I have passed the time where people patiently listen to my grief.  That is except inside of me.  It is amazing how in an instant I can burst into tears.  Just boom, there they are.  What is that all about?  I don’t see it coming, sometimes.  A thought will cross my mind and bam, it wells up inside and I just don’t stop it.  It is always in private and it is always not witnessed, except for maybe by my husband.  It is a deep sorrow.  So even though it has been almost 7 months, this time frame of grief, evidently has no time frame.  Drat.  I can feel the smiles start to creep onto my face when I think of a moment passed and shared, but then it changes, so quickly, to sadness and loss, followed by emptiness and tears.  So, I wait for another 7 months to go by.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t sit, deep in despair, not getting out or on with my life.  I am talking about the silent moments inside, the quiet thoughts that pass while life is lived.  So I am sharing a part of those inner thoughts with you.  I hope you understand.  I know that you do or you wouldn’t be here with me, now.  I am sorry for your losses.  They say life is full of loss, but also full of happiness.  It has to be full of happiness and love to be able to know and feel the losses when they come.  If we didn’t have the love and the joy to lose, we wouldn’t know the pain when it is gone.  If I had a choice, I choose the joy to be there, first.  I will bear the loss if that is the cost.  So my conclusion is that my pain, my sorrow, my tears is a tribute to the love and joy of a perfect partnership, a girl and her dog.  I can live with that. 

Confessions

Three weeks ago, I wanted to post a blog, but I couldn't bring myself to put into writing, what I was feeling. I didn't like Benna. At all. As I think back, I was simply so angry that she wasn't Partner. Benna couldn't do anything right. I was irritated with her. I wanted to post about it, since I am sharing my journey about the loss of my dog, but I was so ashamed and embarrassed to actually not like my dog. Me, someone who preaches about giving your heart and your soul to your dog. Ultimately giving your time and sharing your life with your best friend. But I wasn't feeling it with her. I decided I wanted to keep that bit of dislike to myself. How could I not like my dog. Some time has passed now. I can more objectively look at my feelings from those weeks ago. I can recognize it for what it was, another blasted stage of mourning. About three weeks ago, I also realized that I was getting ready to go to dog camp, where I would be taking Benna with me. I teach a tricks class there, something at which Partner excelled. So, I started teaching Benna some tricks. I have always worked on tricks with Partner, but never with Benna. He was the one I took to schools, did shows with and seminars. He was my star. But that star has dimmed and now it is Benna's time to learn to shine. Who knew she would be such a willing participant in the game of tricks. She is in all the early stages of all her new tricks, but she is doing so well and she is thriving. I am here at camp now. I am always so busy at camp, running here, teaching or lecturing there. I don't have a lot of time to train my own dog, but I do get to focus on her needs and try to make her days full filling as much as I can. We have been hanging out in my bedroom, going for fun walks, and tonight was the tricks workshop that I teach. She went along. I shared with everyone about the loss of my "party trick" dog. How it was about three weeks ago I started working with Benna for camp, teaching her some tricks. I also told those in the class, but was really reminding myself, how giving your heart, your soul, your face and your time, is what owning a dog was all about. It finally hit me. I had always freely done that with Partner, given him my time and my heart. But even though I have said that it was Benna's time before now, it hit me, it truly is our time. I listened to myself. Realized that for the last 3 years, I hadn't really given me to Benna. So, Benna Girl, I give you me from tonight on. You are my one and only and I am truly sorry that I ever felt the way I did three weeks ago. I can honestly say, my heart skips a beat when you run across the field towards me. I can honestly say how I love the cuddle times we are sharing on the bed, on the floor, in the field. You have your own love and personality which you are showing me more of every day. You are a flower, blooming in the barren field of my heart. I say it is barren, only because I allowed it to be when Partner was lost to me. You have been here all along and I have found you again. Thank you for sticking it out until I was ready to find you. You are a beautiful dog and I look forward to what we can do together and the times we will share. It's your time, but in reality I just figured out, it really is MY lucky time for having you.

That Spring Feeling

So, I have been enjoying the waves of the Caribbean ocean on my computer screen saver for the past few days. It is very relaxing, looking at the foam of the blue waves. I remember taking that photo, sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. You can’t beat cruising for forced relaxation.

Even though winter is still officially with us, it has been spring like weather for the past few days and sunny and warm again today. Just like cruising, you can’t beat spring for forcing a positive outlook into your soul. I hope the nice weather stays as long as it wants. I don’t really wish winter to return. I am ready for a sunny outlook. Benna is outside enjoying the rays while I sit here typing, looking out my window. I should go be with her to play or take a walk. I think I will, actually, but will finish this thought first. Spring cleaning is for sweeping out your house, cleaning the cobwebs from the corners and opening the windows for fresh new air to fill the winter spaces. That is what I feel like doing, opening up my heart and cleaning out the dark sad webs of the winter months and filling my lungs with the fresh sweet aromas. Spring is in the air and I embrace the feeling. So, I am grabbing my dog’s leash and putting on my walking shoes. We are heading out for a spin. Enjoy your day as I plan on enjoying mine.

Fond Memories

I find myself in a really weird place. I have been using one of Partner's pictures as the desktop on my computer, since I made my first blog entry about my journey of loss. I have changed it every week or so, but it has always been of Partner. Till now. I am afraid I feel a bit like a traitor; but I have to change the photo to something else, for a little while. It doesn't feel comfortable staying in my place of sadness at this moment. I know my love for him hasn't gone anywhere, it is still right here, deep in my soul. But I need to make the transition from grief to happiness. My heart needs to step back, take a breather. So I am changing my desk top photo. I know when I revisit my albums, documenting all of the good times we had together, photos reflecting all the happiness he brought me; I will be in a different place. I am ready for that transition. I think I need a change of view. I need to move my focus. When I look at his photos right now, I still feel the sadness, but I want that feeling to change to the warm and fuzzies. Even though I feel disrespectful, changing the pictures; somehow I know I have to do it. My grief needs a vacation. I see this as a good thing, another step forward. So with heavy heart, I am picking out a different photo. Tonight it is of Benna taking a big leap over an agility jump; tomorrow it may be flowers from the Alps of Northern Italy. By the weekend, I think the glaciers of Alaska. All great photos, all of them: fond memories. These memories make me smile. That is what I want to do when I look at Partner's photos, smile from the great memories. So if you ask me today, how I am doing, my answer might be: "actually, I think I am doing better. In my own time, in my own way, I am dealing and I am going to be OK. Thanks for asking."

We are down to our core family again tonight. That means its Robert and I, and Balto and Benna. I was fostering a dog the past few days, but tonight he is at a new home, at least for a trial run. I am anxious to hear how it went tomorrow. But in the mean time, it is just us. We still have the Christmas lights flickering, we like to leave them up until Jan 7 each year. It is nice, they make me feel lighter inside. Benna is here at my feet, her new location. A candle is burning, filling the air with scents of pine needles. It is the picture of home. It is amazing how after only two nights with my foster dog, two dogs seem quiet again. Really it is only one dog for me, our dogs are completly divided between us. Balto is truly Robert's dog and Benna is mine. Balto spends the majority of his day riding along in Robert's shirt front, you don't even know he is here. So that basically leaves Benna. Its no wonder she enjoyed having a play mate while the foster was here.

Benna has been so much fun these past few weeks. I have taught her a new behavior, to go to her dog bed when people come over to the house. She took to it immediately and has been really enjoying the training sessions. She is alot of fun to work. Now she even goes right to her bed when she sees me coming in the door, I don't even have to tell her what to do or where to go. I can send her from the back of the house to her dog bed in the front room, also. It is amazing how quickly she learned this. We had a party last week, with lots of people coming in. It was a challenge for her, but considering it was only her second week learning this behavior, she did amazingly well.

I entered an agility trial for March, last night. It is something to look forward to. I can feel the anticipation brewing, of training sessions and fun runs. I am making this trial my goal for Benna and I. We are going to go and enjoy the time as a team of two. People are starting to ask me when I am going to get another dog. But this is Benna's time. We are bonding and discovering our friendship. So, no plans yet. Maybe next year, we'll see. Partner was five when I got Benna, she is only 3. We have lots of time to perfect our team. Here is to a New Year, new plans, new goals and new buddies. Peace everyone.