I want to stop hurting. But I can't. I know there will come a day when my hurt, the actual lump in my chest, will change to smiles that warm my heart and make me grin, instead of cry. I am anxious for that change. I will it. I long for it. I am tired of sad. Even though I am trying, it won't come to me, yet. I guess it is true that mourning and grief is a process. It has space and dimension. It even has stages:
1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
2. PAIN & GUILT-
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
5. THE UPWARD TURN-
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
I guess it is stage 4 that I am currently in, longing for the "Upward
Turn." It sounds so inviting. But I still can't find the joy of planning a
trial schedule. I can't imagine the zeal of working through a new training challenge. I assume that is because I am still working through stage 4. The stages say not to be talked out of stage 4. I guess that would include ME trying to talk my way out. It isn't working, so I might as well take the advice given. Work through it. It is a necessary step towards the turn upwards. I know in so many ways, my loss was a simple relationship, a dog. It wasn't a life changing loss like so many others. I think about people in my life who have experienced huge losses: spouses and children, parents and friends, jobs and homes. I have had other losses in my life, I have lost my parents, I have had good friends die in tragedy, I have had loved ones disappear from my life in an instant and I have lost other "best friends;" dogs, partnerships with man's best friend. This time, I am missing my dog. Who is to judge the level of grief you feel for each loss in your life. This may seem like a small loss to some, but to me, it has been big enough to stop me in my tracks. I am still missing all of my loved ones. That doesn't ever change. But I also know from these previous losses that the lift does comes. Grief is a ball of barbed wire that you carry in your gut. It is heavy and bites into you at every turn. I will accept this time, if that is what is required of me. Just know that I have wire cutters, sitting here next to me. I am ready to attack the wire at a moments notice. Wait for it.
