Fond Memories

I find myself in a really weird place. I have been using one of Partner's pictures as the desktop on my computer, since I made my first blog entry about my journey of loss. I have changed it every week or so, but it has always been of Partner. Till now. I am afraid I feel a bit like a traitor; but I have to change the photo to something else, for a little while. It doesn't feel comfortable staying in my place of sadness at this moment. I know my love for him hasn't gone anywhere, it is still right here, deep in my soul. But I need to make the transition from grief to happiness. My heart needs to step back, take a breather. So I am changing my desk top photo. I know when I revisit my albums, documenting all of the good times we had together, photos reflecting all the happiness he brought me; I will be in a different place. I am ready for that transition. I think I need a change of view. I need to move my focus. When I look at his photos right now, I still feel the sadness, but I want that feeling to change to the warm and fuzzies. Even though I feel disrespectful, changing the pictures; somehow I know I have to do it. My grief needs a vacation. I see this as a good thing, another step forward. So with heavy heart, I am picking out a different photo. Tonight it is of Benna taking a big leap over an agility jump; tomorrow it may be flowers from the Alps of Northern Italy. By the weekend, I think the glaciers of Alaska. All great photos, all of them: fond memories. These memories make me smile. That is what I want to do when I look at Partner's photos, smile from the great memories. So if you ask me today, how I am doing, my answer might be: "actually, I think I am doing better. In my own time, in my own way, I am dealing and I am going to be OK. Thanks for asking."

We are down to our core family again tonight. That means its Robert and I, and Balto and Benna. I was fostering a dog the past few days, but tonight he is at a new home, at least for a trial run. I am anxious to hear how it went tomorrow. But in the mean time, it is just us. We still have the Christmas lights flickering, we like to leave them up until Jan 7 each year. It is nice, they make me feel lighter inside. Benna is here at my feet, her new location. A candle is burning, filling the air with scents of pine needles. It is the picture of home. It is amazing how after only two nights with my foster dog, two dogs seem quiet again. Really it is only one dog for me, our dogs are completly divided between us. Balto is truly Robert's dog and Benna is mine. Balto spends the majority of his day riding along in Robert's shirt front, you don't even know he is here. So that basically leaves Benna. Its no wonder she enjoyed having a play mate while the foster was here.

Benna has been so much fun these past few weeks. I have taught her a new behavior, to go to her dog bed when people come over to the house. She took to it immediately and has been really enjoying the training sessions. She is alot of fun to work. Now she even goes right to her bed when she sees me coming in the door, I don't even have to tell her what to do or where to go. I can send her from the back of the house to her dog bed in the front room, also. It is amazing how quickly she learned this. We had a party last week, with lots of people coming in. It was a challenge for her, but considering it was only her second week learning this behavior, she did amazingly well.

I entered an agility trial for March, last night. It is something to look forward to. I can feel the anticipation brewing, of training sessions and fun runs. I am making this trial my goal for Benna and I. We are going to go and enjoy the time as a team of two. People are starting to ask me when I am going to get another dog. But this is Benna's time. We are bonding and discovering our friendship. So, no plans yet. Maybe next year, we'll see. Partner was five when I got Benna, she is only 3. We have lots of time to perfect our team. Here is to a New Year, new plans, new goals and new buddies. Peace everyone.