Confessions

Three weeks ago, I wanted to post a blog, but I couldn't bring myself to put into writing, what I was feeling. I didn't like Benna. At all. As I think back, I was simply so angry that she wasn't Partner. Benna couldn't do anything right. I was irritated with her. I wanted to post about it, since I am sharing my journey about the loss of my dog, but I was so ashamed and embarrassed to actually not like my dog. Me, someone who preaches about giving your heart and your soul to your dog. Ultimately giving your time and sharing your life with your best friend. But I wasn't feeling it with her. I decided I wanted to keep that bit of dislike to myself. How could I not like my dog. Some time has passed now. I can more objectively look at my feelings from those weeks ago. I can recognize it for what it was, another blasted stage of mourning. About three weeks ago, I also realized that I was getting ready to go to dog camp, where I would be taking Benna with me. I teach a tricks class there, something at which Partner excelled. So, I started teaching Benna some tricks. I have always worked on tricks with Partner, but never with Benna. He was the one I took to schools, did shows with and seminars. He was my star. But that star has dimmed and now it is Benna's time to learn to shine. Who knew she would be such a willing participant in the game of tricks. She is in all the early stages of all her new tricks, but she is doing so well and she is thriving. I am here at camp now. I am always so busy at camp, running here, teaching or lecturing there. I don't have a lot of time to train my own dog, but I do get to focus on her needs and try to make her days full filling as much as I can. We have been hanging out in my bedroom, going for fun walks, and tonight was the tricks workshop that I teach. She went along. I shared with everyone about the loss of my "party trick" dog. How it was about three weeks ago I started working with Benna for camp, teaching her some tricks. I also told those in the class, but was really reminding myself, how giving your heart, your soul, your face and your time, is what owning a dog was all about. It finally hit me. I had always freely done that with Partner, given him my time and my heart. But even though I have said that it was Benna's time before now, it hit me, it truly is our time. I listened to myself. Realized that for the last 3 years, I hadn't really given me to Benna. So, Benna Girl, I give you me from tonight on. You are my one and only and I am truly sorry that I ever felt the way I did three weeks ago. I can honestly say, my heart skips a beat when you run across the field towards me. I can honestly say how I love the cuddle times we are sharing on the bed, on the floor, in the field. You have your own love and personality which you are showing me more of every day. You are a flower, blooming in the barren field of my heart. I say it is barren, only because I allowed it to be when Partner was lost to me. You have been here all along and I have found you again. Thank you for sticking it out until I was ready to find you. You are a beautiful dog and I look forward to what we can do together and the times we will share. It's your time, but in reality I just figured out, it really is MY lucky time for having you.