In the haze of my life without Partner, I find myself renewing my relationship with Benna. Benna is my other Aussie, she is three, a blue merle, very white and she is a looker. When
I got Benna, I had a really hard time dividing my attention between two active,
intelligent dogs. Ask everyone, especially Betsy, my training buddy. She had to
listen to my concerns on a daily basis, how I worrying about neglecting one for
the other. I don't know how parents of multiple children do it. It is so easy
to be partial, so difficult to be fair. Partner was my special dog, true to his
name. Benna was my little girl, independent and spirited. Where Partner was my
shadow, Benna was busy. When Partner was growing up and developing, he would go
to work with me every day. Robert was working then and no good dog parent would
leave an active puppy alone for 9 hours a day, so off he would go with me.
Crates, toys, food would be packed every day, into the car. When Benna was
little and a new arrival, Robert was retired. As I loaded up the puppy and
packed the car, it seemed silly, waving good-bye to someone who was willing to
be home with the puppy. In hind sight, I have learned what I lost in this trade
off. True, Benna didn't have to spend long days at the clinic, in a crate, broken
up by bonding, valuable, training "Mom time." Instead she got to run
free at home, unsupervised by a retired man with his own agenda. Of course that
is all behind us now. Benna has developed into a good dog. So far she has
earned an alphabet soup of titles behind her name, CGC, CD, NA, NAJ, OA, OAJ,
AX, AXJ, NF, and is well on her way to some more letters to be added to the mix. She is a
good girl, but she was never directly by my side, Partner was there. Thus the
guilt. I always felt guilty about that. Partner would always be at my feet,
following me around the house, Benna maybe would be there. She was too busy to
keep too close of a tab on me. But now that the spot at my feet is available, I
find Benna there. She is there right now. She isn't off finding things to do,
she is there, sleeping, waiting for me to move, to touch her. Partner has only
been gone for not quite two weeks. I have been leaning on Benna in his absence
and I feel guilty about that too. I feel badly that it isn't Partner. I felt
guilty I hadn't been able to share my floor space equally before. I now feel guilty for
letting Benna fill the emptiness in my day.
Over the years, I have had to be a grief counselor for clients who have lost pets. So often the thing I heard the most was how they would never have another dog. It was too painful. I would
always be reminded about a poem I had read, years before. It was written by a
dieing dog as his last will. The dog said he wanted to leave his ball to the
next dog that he hoped would some day come into his owner's life. The dog felt
it would be a tribute to their love that they had shared in this life, that the man
couldn't live without the love of a dog in his life. That their love had been
so necessary and fulfilling that life without that kind of love wouldn't be
worth it. So, what I need to do now is believe that Partner felt that way. That
he left that spot of floor, next to me, to Benna. That he knew I couldn't live
a good life without "my dog" vigilant by my side. So, writing this is
helping me get past my guilt.
(Partner's last will: To Benna, I leave the spot on the floor next to Mary Ann's feet. I leave it vacant so you have room to move there. Keep Mary Ann busy, figuring out how to train you. She enjoys teaching, be a good student. Give her your backside to rub and scratch, give your face to kiss and your eyes to gaze into. Be right there, she will always reach down to feel
for your presence. Be there in my spot, now your spot. That is a precious location;
I lived there for a short time, now it is yours to live there for a long time.
Take care of it and of her, Benna, I leave it all to you. )
Thank you, Partner, for reminding me of that poem I read so long ago. Thank you for being my grief counselor as I work my way through to the memories that make smile instead of cry. And thank you for putting Benna right here by my side for me. I hope to keep her busy now.
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